I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
You dont lie about slip and slides
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
