oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
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