his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
