Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I need a beard to bite.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
