then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
