so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Congratulations! We have a period
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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