At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Randomize