Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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