At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
