drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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