Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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