Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Randomize
