the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Randomize
