I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize