6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
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