Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
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