we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
