I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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