Your tits are I can't wait for
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
