It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
You were trust falling into bushes
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
