K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Randomize
