we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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