This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
