my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize