I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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