tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Randomize
