I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
