As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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