i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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