my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize