What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Randomize
