Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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