Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
