so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize