So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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