No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
