when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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