My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
