I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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