now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
i believe in u and ur pee
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
