I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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