Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
