I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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