i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
