when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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