Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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