I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
