At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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