when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
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