My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
