Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize