Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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