Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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