All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
