My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Randomize
