Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Randomize
