Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
