OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
