i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I need to align my fucking chakras
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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