i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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