I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Randomize
