Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize
