Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
