Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
