I wish they made helmets for livers.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
