You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
